LOSING  A LOVED ONE

I have always been a believer. Of God, of the inherent goodness of the people, of justice, of fairness, of optimism and positivity. That all that happens to everybody has a good reason. But some events in your life just make it difficult to find the good reason behind… like the loss of a loved one.

April and May 2013 are the months that I must say has been the lowest months of my life. April 12 when I lost the baby I was carrying inside my womb at barely 8 weeks. He stopped growing then I miscarried naturally. To say that I was hurt is an understatement. Devastated describes what I felt better.

I was still mourning about the loss of our baby when I received news that would change how I see the world forever.  April 24, I was informed that my mom may not see another day. That she was in a coma and that she will pass away that very night. I cried and cried. I thought about what is the reason why I had to go through another loss – this time my mom. My mom. Someone that I only have one in my lifetime. I decided to go to her in Tagum where she was hospitalized. I flew the earliest flight I was able to catch. All the while I don’t know what to pray for… whether to ask God to make her better (which would make her suffer in the long run) or to make her pass away comfortably and not suffer. All I know in my heart is that I was not ready to see her go. Not yet. We were told there is no hope anymore. I wanted to pray so much to make her better, to completely heal her of the sickness she has. But deep inside I know that it most likely not be granted.

I wanted to scream “WHY!!!??? WHY HER!!!???”. You see my mom was diagnosed with adrenal cancer. A cancer I haven’t even heard of back then. It is a very rare cancer which affects 1 out of 1 million people – that rare! A tumor was found on her right adrenal glands which displaced her kidneys which in turn made it difficult for her to urinate. The toxins have spread inside her body that’s why she went into a coma. The cause of this cancer is unknown but it is attributed to smoking and drinking. So my mom had this very rare cancer which affects smokers and drunkards. What are the odds right? She didn’t even smoke nor drink. Nobody from our house or from where she goes who she is in constant company does. My mom is the least likely person to ever be affected by that cancer – but she was! In this case, can you ever see the reason behind it? I bet you would also say “Where is justice in all these?” It was really unfair, and I still feel it was unfair even until now. It really is. I mean there are a lot more people out there who CHOSE to drink and smoke right? It was their conscious decision to drink and smoke yet they are not suffering from this disease. Don’t you think they deserve more to die than my mom because they brought them upon themselves?  Why oh why my mother of all people?

When I arrived in the hospital, on April 25, she was fighting all her might to wake up from coma. What the doctor told my ate did not come true. Mama was still in coma but she was still alive and fighting the disease.  It hurts so much to see my mom bedridden, in coma and only skins and bones. My mom who was so active and healthy before was very weak and fragile-looking in just a matter of days. Looking at her, I wonder how she must have suffered and hurt for her to go into a coma.

April 26, my mom woke up. Her doctor told us how powerful our prayers must have been for her to wake up. We asked a lot of people for prayers and surrounded her with love. All the while, we were always calling her. Papa, Ate Dawn, Nal2, Mel, Me, Kim, Kit and Yang were there to ask her to wake up. Nonon, Ate Ineth, Kuya Wiwis and Gelo were always on skype. Daddy, Dhabi and my in laws calls from time to time. Jovi was always there. Lilang and the former students of ate were there. Everybody was just there to ask her to wake up. And she did!

It was like a light after being inside the dark tunnel in a long time. We were given a spark of hope. Hope that maybe mama will still get through this. Since then, we tried to nurse her back to health enough for her to have a good chance of being operated upon to surgically remove the tumor to be biopsied.

It was a happy atmosphere since then. We had the chance to really talk, laugh, and joke around. We discovered things about her we did not know before. Little did we know that, that was already a bonus for us. She must have asked God to give her time to come back to us for a little while. She really fought hard with us as much as she can.

However, her organs started to fail due to the medications and everything. In an effort to prevent the cancer to spread to the brain, the cancer turned to her livers and kidneys instead.

Her urine started to turn murky and dark. She started to turn yellow. One night, she had near death visions of talking with her tatay and nanay.

In the morning after that, she had become “child-like”.  It was due to the toxins in her body which was doing all sort of things in her brain. She continued to turn yellow.

May 6, she looked really radiant and we attributed it to the herbal medicine we must have given her. It may or may not be. Later long after she died, I found out in my readings that some people became radiant once they are at peace and when they know that they will be going to a happier place – to Heaven.

And I truly believe that she indeed went to heaven. She was ready. Not like us. We really were not ready. We only accepted it because we are forced to. We had no choice. Dying is a natural thing.

As a devoted Catholic, Mama is really ready to go. Mama was anointed with oil for three times. First, when the doctor told ate that she’s not going to see another day. The second was a day after she woke up and she asked for a priest for a confession and anointing of the sick. And third was before she finally joined our Creator.

May 7, Mama’ breath became shallow and labored. She was given a high dosage of oxygen. And she was under close monitor by the hospital staff. I refused to acknowledge what has been staring right in front of me – Mama was really dying.

May 8, 2013. That fateful day.  During the Doctor’s round, we asked what is going on and she told us that the time has come. That all of us know that this day will come. Mama’s labored breathing was the final indication. She told us that she will just use all the available medicine that is working (because the other medicines were not anymore) then we will wait. “We wait for what doc?” asked my sister. “We wait for her to go.” The words hit me like a thousand daggers. Nothing can be done anymore. It has been decided. My Mama’s fate has been sealed. She will be taken from us that very day. 2 hours! That was how long we had before the medicine will run out. It’s up to us if we will buy another or not. But even if we buy, it would only give us a few hours and it will only prolong Mama’s agony.

So we started contacting St Peter for the services and looked for a priest for her final anointment. Getting a priest proved to be difficult that day because the priest in the hospital was in a retreat. By God’s grace, we were able to find a priest but that was after we bought another set of medicines for her to be with us longer for her to receive her last anointment.

After the service, the interval of Mama’s breath became longer. Ate Dawn was brave enough to say the words we cannot say. To tell mama farewell on behalf of all of us. To tell her how much we love her. That she can go and we will all be alright. A few minutes after that, Mama took her last breath. She inhaled deep but never exhaled. Just like that. She was gone forever. Just like that. I was expecting the scenes from the movies and tv shows where the dying person was really suffering in pain and catching his breath. But that was not the case with Mama. She went peacefully.

It has been almost two months since she died but I still terribly miss her. There are just times when I cry because I know I could never talk to her again. Hug her again. Kiss her again. I still post on her wall in Facebook hoping she can read it. I want to dream about her again so that even in dreams I could be with her. But I only dreamt of her once.

The world is never the same. At least not the way I see it. Before, I sympathize with people who suffered from the loss of a loved one. Now I realize that you cannot really understand the pain unless you yourself have lost a loved one – especially a mother.

I am still a believer. But this test has shaken me so hard that I found myself morose.

Will the pain ever leave? I don’t know. Right now, the way things are, I bet it never will. But I don’t have a choice; I must live because it is not yet my time. I still have a mission to fulfill. I’ll see you later Ma, then we can pick up from there. I bet you are happy now with Nanay, Tatay, Uncle, Kael and all the loved ones you lost before. For the meantime, can you ask God to help us deal better with your passing? All of us has been shaken rather badly you know.  Some are dealing better than others. Help us especially the ones who needed it more. I love you Ma and nothing could ever change that.